So now you’re wondering what I’m talking about. Simple. It’s marriage.
For some of you who know me quite well, you already know about my skepticism. Let me just tell you from the outset: I don’t WANT to be skeptical about this. I wish I could believe in the institution of marriage the way I did when I was a little girl. No, I never dreamt of wearing a pretty pink dress full of tool and other scratchy materials. I never dreamt of some hunk riding up on a white horse to rescue me from a wart-covered witch. But I definitely always thought I would someday get married. It never occurred to me that some people DIDN’T get married. But over the past several years I’m starting to wonder whether it really is such a good idea. Sometimes I feel like the Runaway Bride...except I wouldn't even make it to the walk down the aisle. (Julia Roberts wins. ) Mainly cuz it scares the living **** out of me. And do you wanna know why? Because I have seen too many marriages and long-term relationships around me either take a serious nose-dive from which they almost didn’t recover or they failed and shattered. Leaving brokenness everywhere. Leaving brokenness in me. In the past 2 months I have found out that 3 marriages of people I know are over. One of the couples is quite young, the other two couples have been married for over 20 years. The latter 2 marriages fell apart because the hubbies decided to go grazing elsewhere. I just found out about the third one yesterday and it seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just can’t keep my frustration and disappointment to myself any longer. I’m tired of trying to figure out what it is that makes some marriages work and others fall apart, leaving mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted shells of human beings in its wake. Every time some hope builds up in my heart I turn around and another relationship takes a tumble as I watch helplessly, morphing my fragile trust into a twisted heap of broken defeat.
Now, it’s not like I don’t have plenty of examples of good marriages around me. Amongst my family and friends I really have no shortage of happy couples displaying the "pros of marriage" in an obvious and tangible way. But it just doesn’t negate my other experiences. I can’t forget the faces of the people who have told me about their failed marriages. I can’t forget the trembling voices or the tears spilling over red-rimmed eyes onto hollowed-out cheeks. And I find myself asking: Is it worth the risk? I mean, ya, maybe I'’ll find a good guy. Someone who’ll love me and take care of me until the gong show’s over and one of us bites the dust. But how do I know for sure? Every single one of the couples that I have witnessed fall apart has at some point believed the very same thing. They said the same vows. And probably even meant them on that day. At some point all three of the men in the couples I talked about earlier told their girlfriends/fiancées/wives some variation of "I will love you forever. I will never leave you." And again, they most likely meant it. But they didn’t do the first and they did do the second.
And what about all those shining examples I have around me, you ask? Well, first of all, I find myself constantly asking: Are these marriages actually what they appear to be? The majority of relationships that I have seen break up looked just peachy to me the week before. How do I know what is actually going on in the marriages that surround me? Most people are experts at keeping things to themselves. Especially when it’s about something as painful and perhaps embarrassing as a failed relationship. How do I know that the seemingly elatedly in-love couples around me aren’t actually a façade of fading fireworks and lost hopes?
Now let me just be clear on something. I am not a risk-taker. Never have been, never will be. This whole deal here in Germany was the ‘riskiest’ thing I’ve ever done. I don’t like "unknowns" and everything about moving here for a year was a giant neon-blinking sign screaming "Unknown! Risk! UNKNOWN! RISK!" But I knew I had to do it or I’d regret it forever.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know that we need to take risks in life. It helps us grow and makes us stronger. Heck, this year in Germany was the best decision I could have made. Still doesn’t change the fact that I despise risks. So this leads me – a severe risk’o’phobe – to the inevitable question: IS MARRIAGE WORTH IT? I need to know that the pros outweigh the cons. (I’m a list freak and this habit reaches into ALL areas of my life….) I mean, of course I could get lucky (not in the pervy way you sick freaks). I could marry an awesome guy and live happily ever after…I mean, I know every marriage has its issues, but obviously some more than others. But on the other hand I could take this risk, jump in with both feet …. And end up having my heart trampled, stomped on, crumpled into a ball, chewed up, and spit back out.
Basically it comes down to this: There is no guarantee and I HATE THAT. There’s no receipt, no cash-back or exchange within 14 days. (Unfortunately) a relationship requires the work and input of 2 people. 2. It doesn’t matter if I decide that I’m never gonna cheat or get a divorce. If he one day decides to take off with his new chica with a better set of legs or softer hair or whatever it is men leave their wives for, I have no control. Zip. Zero. He can do what he bloody well pleases. How scary is that?
So if I never marry I could be missing out on something great. Or I could be saving myself a whole lotta pain and heartache. But how do you decide which is more important?
I know that many of you are probably happily married. Some even fairly newly-wed. :) You are probably feeling the urge to write and tell me it’s worth it and it’s lovely and there’s nothing better than finding that ‘special someone’ (btw, I hate that phrase…). But saying that won’t convince me, my dear concerned friends. The people I know whose marriages fell apart would have said the same thing 10, 5, or even just 1 year ago. I’m simply so unsure. And unfortunately it’s not a puzzle or an algebraic equation to be balanced. Basically, the only way you can convince me that your marriage worked enough to last is if you die still married… sorry. Lol.
Now, it’s not like I don’t have plenty of examples of good marriages around me. Amongst my family and friends I really have no shortage of happy couples displaying the "pros of marriage" in an obvious and tangible way. But it just doesn’t negate my other experiences. I can’t forget the faces of the people who have told me about their failed marriages. I can’t forget the trembling voices or the tears spilling over red-rimmed eyes onto hollowed-out cheeks. And I find myself asking: Is it worth the risk? I mean, ya, maybe I'’ll find a good guy. Someone who’ll love me and take care of me until the gong show’s over and one of us bites the dust. But how do I know for sure? Every single one of the couples that I have witnessed fall apart has at some point believed the very same thing. They said the same vows. And probably even meant them on that day. At some point all three of the men in the couples I talked about earlier told their girlfriends/fiancées/wives some variation of "I will love you forever. I will never leave you." And again, they most likely meant it. But they didn’t do the first and they did do the second.
And what about all those shining examples I have around me, you ask? Well, first of all, I find myself constantly asking: Are these marriages actually what they appear to be? The majority of relationships that I have seen break up looked just peachy to me the week before. How do I know what is actually going on in the marriages that surround me? Most people are experts at keeping things to themselves. Especially when it’s about something as painful and perhaps embarrassing as a failed relationship. How do I know that the seemingly elatedly in-love couples around me aren’t actually a façade of fading fireworks and lost hopes?
Now let me just be clear on something. I am not a risk-taker. Never have been, never will be. This whole deal here in Germany was the ‘riskiest’ thing I’ve ever done. I don’t like "unknowns" and everything about moving here for a year was a giant neon-blinking sign screaming "Unknown! Risk! UNKNOWN! RISK!" But I knew I had to do it or I’d regret it forever.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know that we need to take risks in life. It helps us grow and makes us stronger. Heck, this year in Germany was the best decision I could have made. Still doesn’t change the fact that I despise risks. So this leads me – a severe risk’o’phobe – to the inevitable question: IS MARRIAGE WORTH IT? I need to know that the pros outweigh the cons. (I’m a list freak and this habit reaches into ALL areas of my life….) I mean, of course I could get lucky (not in the pervy way you sick freaks). I could marry an awesome guy and live happily ever after…I mean, I know every marriage has its issues, but obviously some more than others. But on the other hand I could take this risk, jump in with both feet …. And end up having my heart trampled, stomped on, crumpled into a ball, chewed up, and spit back out.
Basically it comes down to this: There is no guarantee and I HATE THAT. There’s no receipt, no cash-back or exchange within 14 days. (Unfortunately) a relationship requires the work and input of 2 people. 2. It doesn’t matter if I decide that I’m never gonna cheat or get a divorce. If he one day decides to take off with his new chica with a better set of legs or softer hair or whatever it is men leave their wives for, I have no control. Zip. Zero. He can do what he bloody well pleases. How scary is that?
So if I never marry I could be missing out on something great. Or I could be saving myself a whole lotta pain and heartache. But how do you decide which is more important?
I know that many of you are probably happily married. Some even fairly newly-wed. :) You are probably feeling the urge to write and tell me it’s worth it and it’s lovely and there’s nothing better than finding that ‘special someone’ (btw, I hate that phrase…). But saying that won’t convince me, my dear concerned friends. The people I know whose marriages fell apart would have said the same thing 10, 5, or even just 1 year ago. I’m simply so unsure. And unfortunately it’s not a puzzle or an algebraic equation to be balanced. Basically, the only way you can convince me that your marriage worked enough to last is if you die still married… sorry. Lol.
And if Brad and Jenn couldn’t last, can anyone???
Ok, that was my Hollywood attempt at lightening an otherwise VERY heavy topic. :) Didn’t mean to get so depressing, but broken people aren’t exactly a subject I can liken to green meadows and bleating wooly lambs.
Let’s just say it’ll take one heck of a guy to convince me he’s worth the risk. Let’s just hope I’m ‘one heck enough’ of a girl to convince him likewise – cuz I can imagine I’m not the only one in this marriage-devouring world with thoughts like these…
The Skeptic is signing off. For today.
18 comments:
I have to agree Julia, it is a really really freaky-deaky step. I think that a lot of people get married too early on in a relationship and often for the wrong reasons. They may say that everything is perfect and going to last, but if it's not built on a proper foundation to begin with than there isn't much hope is there? People who get married because they are infatuated (?) with the other person probably think that it's 'true love' or at least love of some sort. They are the ones that are in for a rude awakening when the apple of their eye take such a nasty dump that you basically have to light the house on fire the ride the world of the horrid stench (I'm not speaking from experience at all...). I don't really know why some couples make it and some don't. I'd like to say that it's as black and white as keeping your eyes on the Lord and serving Him first and foremost in your marriage...but I think that there are too many grey areas to make a blanket statement like that.
We've had this talk before so you know my thoughts and feelings. All I can really speak from is my own marriage and all I have to say to you about that is, it's not perfect at all and by God's grace we haven't killed eachother yet. ;)
Phew, that is a heavy subject Julia! And one I'm sure every person on earth has thought about. I don't think anyone has an answer to it, sadly.
I think the only thing a person can do is to make sure they really know the person they're committing their life to. Not just to know their likes/dislikes, but to know who they are at the root of things. To know that this person will be willing to work hard to make your marraige work, no matter what happens or who made the mistake. To know that their love for you is going to override all the crap that happens. To know that this person is willing to push through and make it work. And to know that you both want the same thing out of your relationship! I guess both parties have to be willing put their love for the other above themselves. And to concentrate on that. Because heaven knows that's not easy.
It is sad to see couples break up though, and sometimes hard to see why. I wonder if, in some situations, if they didn't see it coming, in some way.
I guess all a person can do is be patient. And not settle. There's nothing wrong with being single, is there!
First, I can identify with your remarks on risk. I struggle with taking risks also. Reminds me of a Sam Roberts lyric: "The world won't wait when your faith won't leap."
Regarding marriage, I guess I come at the issue of marriage from an explicly Christian standpoint. It does not shock me at all when people who are not believers get divorced. On their worldview, frankly, they often have no good reason not to get divorced. Christians, however, are called to higher standards and it bothers me that Christian divorce rates are not much better than everyone else's.
Speaking as one "outside looking in" on marriage, I think one of the biggest problems in Christian marriages today is the backseat God takes in the relationship to the spouse. The Bible is clear that God has to be kept at the center and too many couples try to make it on their own and treat God as a peripheral or some sort of crutch to help them through the rough times.
I must respectfully disagree with Shelley. There is an answer for this question, and in the end it is not found in hard work, human love or anything we can do in and of ourselves (although those things are all good to some extent). I am convinced that a human-centered answer is inadequate in marriage. It comes down to a commitment to God and reliance upon his grace and commandments. Seek first the kingdom of God and the rest will be added to you.
I could go on and on, and I will probably write a post on this myself after exams are over, so I'll leave it at that.
P.S. I commend you, Julia, on your courage to post on a heavy subject that is close to your heart. It's good to think about things that are difficult. Remember: two-thirds of the Psalms are laments for a reason.
thanks for posting julia. i can relate to your fear.
my prayer for you is that God will meet you in the middle of your confusion and fear. because he is the only one who is ALWAYS trustworthy.
i'm sorry for your pain. love you, my friend.
I always thought this quote from Shall We Dance was cool:
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."
I can't speak from experience, but I just remember...
imperfect person + imperfect person = imperfect relationship.
I guess we have to make choices to work stuff out and press on...find a man who sharpens you (he'll probably piss you off a lot too) but then you know you're changing and growing into something even better (that applies to all relationships, not just husband & wife).
Love you Jules. You're an awesome girl.
Just want to say in response to Jordan, that I do believe that God has the most important role in a marraige, but it's also evident that there are many non-Christian marraiges that work and sometimes do better than even Christian marriages. I think even Christian marraiges fall apart sometimes, even when the partners believe in putting God first. There are some situtations where it unfortunately happens. I think that when people do put others before themselves, they are putting God first as well, since that is one of God's biggest callings of us. And I believe human-love, is given to us from God, and that love is the reflection of God. I guess non-Christians just don't realize it. So yes, I do think that when you are putting someone above yourself you are showing God's love.
You make some good points. Of course I wasn't trying to divide God's love and love of others, that was not my intention. But logically it is possible to love another person without loving God, and so we shouldn’t assume that loving another person necessarily means someone loves God as well. Of course non-Christian marriages can also succeed, it’s a simply fact and one which I am thankful to God for, but that success is due primarily to God's common grace to all people. No human relationship occurs apart from Him. I was mainly only speaking against the tendency in some marriages to just "work harder" apart from God in order to make everything better. In the end I think we 99% agree. Cheers.
You're right!
Man, Julia! Who would have thought this would be a forum for important issues hey?
yeesh jules.. well i've seen my share of failed marriages. and maybe i've learned something too... that the theories my parents worked out about how to make a marriage last didn't help one iota. determination doesn't mean the other person is going to be what you want them to be.
in a more general sense:
how can you guarantee you wont be hurt? don't make yourself vulnerable.
how can you guarantee you won't feel love? don't make yourself vulnerable.
back to marriage:
even watching my parents work through .. let me count.. 6 marriages between the two of them, they still pursue it. why?
and why do i want a marriage, of all people? because i see something worth the risk (and of course, at the same time, demanding great trust). i've seen the fruit of other labourers and i want it in my own family and life as well.
i don't think everyone needs to get married, that's not my point. i do, however, believe the choice to abstain from marriage should be based on something other than fear of failure.
perhaps, but fear of failure was not the point of my blog. i am struggling with the point of taking a (nowadays) 50% risk of having my heart ripped out of my chest. that is completely different from fear of failure, crystal. if i was afraid of failure i never would have gone to university... lol. or perhaps i have a severe lack of trust in other people. either way, i just want to make it clear that yes, the failure of a marriage would be absolutely terribly awful. but that is not directly the thing that gives me all these doubts. you can't boil my entire blog down to something that simple, crystal. and please keep in mind that the night before i wrote this i was watching someone break down right in front of me. that's pretty draining.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but Julia I don't understand your last comment. I'm just trying to better understand where you're coming from here. Isn't fear of failure basically what it boils down to? Fear of a marriage or long term relationship failing? Fear of having a bond of trust broken? I think there's both an intellectual side (doubts, the odds) and an emotional side (trust, fear) to this issue. Perhaps revisiting this issue in a couple weeks would give you more perspective and clarity since the emotions are still so fresh for you. It must be emotionally draining to have to listen to someone whose marriage just broke down. I know when something emotionally traumatizing happens to me I need a lot of time to sort through things before I can make any sense of the situation. I'm not saying time heals all wounds, but it can give one just enough emotional distance from the problem to be able to sort things out a little better.
i'm sorry julia.. believe me, i don't want to sound calloused. i know all too well what its like to have someone very dear to you weeping over a broken heart, a broken relationship. i don't mean to boil your post down to a simple fear of failure. i don't think that you are a fearful person julia (not by any means). i was just trying to put my thoughts out there on the subject, my own experience with failed marriage, my own fears, stuggles and decisions, my own lessons learned (* still learning). thats all... again, sorry.
There are no guarantees about anything in this life. Nothing at all. I firmly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I'm sure it's extremely difficult to look at it that way when the loss is very fresh. I'm truly sorry for whichever couples you speak of and their losses, regardless of how long their marriages lasted. I can honestly say that after 11 years with Mike, married and not married, I do not regret our decision for one minute. I hope one day you'll meet someone you can trust with whom you'll feel like the risk is slim, if not zero, and worth taking. If not, then I hope you'll enjoy your life and still be thankful for everything else you have or with which you'll be blessed in the future.
Keep in mind that what goes on in the relationships around you is not contagious. Your relationships are not doomed to fail because so many others do. It's only you and that one other person who can make your relationship work or not work.
jordan,
of course fear of failure is a part of it. what i'm trying to say is that it is not the centre point. of course failing sucks and its not something i'm accustomed to. i think that in some sense every single one of us fears failure. i mean, who in their right mind would enjoy it? but no, that isn't what it boils down to for me. it's more the repercussions, the consequences of this failure that cause my greatest concerns here. becoming so completely vulnerable and open and then perhaps having these steps of faith abused by the one person you trusted with everything.
i don't know how else to explain it or express myself better, i guess. looks like you'll just have to take my word for it. it can't be shaken down to a mere fear of failure. and i don't think that any more "distance" will give me any different perspective. i mean, yes, my blog post was written directly after a very uncomfortable situation from the night before, but i have had these exact thoughts for the past 3 years. just ask bria if you need proof. :) :)
crystal,
thanks for your comments. i admire you hugely for having gone through the things you've mentioned and still coming out with more faith in marriage than I seem to have right now. :) you don't need to be sorry for what you wrote! i think my reply came off a little harsher than I meant it to be. i was just trying to make myself understood, i guess. :) i really do appreciate what you wrote and it gave me lots to think about.
i appreciate all your guys' comments. they have been really good to hear. my dad also sent me an awesome email. :) of course. i was hoping he would. he has a way of putting everything "in its place". i think his brain works like mine. logic is the key. lol. anyways, all your comments were really interesting and i appreciate all of the different ideas and viewpoints. you've given me lots to think about.
i just read your blog today, jules. two days ago i drove my friend to the airport because her husband was so mad at her that he refused to take her (she was going to see her bro/sis-in-law for a week, pre-planned). they've been married five years and she told me on the ride that this last month has been hell, she doesnt know what's going wrong, only that they're fighting all the time. on the way to the airport he called, said he was leaving her and hung up. so far i havent heard if she's talked to him since. so those feelings and thoughts you've been having...that whole blog is what has been going thru my mind for the last two days. i dont even know what to say. most days i love being single and yet every day i want to be loved by someone. all my thoughts on marriage contradict each other. dating relationships have left me broken and so i tell myself i'll never get married cuz it's easier alone. especially when there is only one or two marriages i know that i could label 'healthy', at least from what i can see. all the others are diseased, and there are so many of these diseased marriages that i see. and yet to go thru life alone doesnt sit well with me either. i want someone to rely on and love. and i certainly want that to be expected of me. but seeing that sort of pain happen to my friends and family, the destroying of families, personalities, hopes...makes me wonder too. why even put yourself in that sort of situation? why open yourself up to that stuff when you dont have to? and yet it isnt just romantic relationships that are this way...so many times i've had my girl friends betray me, be hurtful and spiteful. we trust them too, sometimes more than anyone else, and they also break our hearts. any sort of love is risky and can be painful. but without it what are we? God loves those who break his heart everyday, and he loves them even knowing that they'll break it again. we all need love and it isnt always perfect. there are never guarantees with human relationships whether they be within a marriage or within a friendship, but we love anyway becuse that's what we're designed to do. just like you, i may one day need to decide whether or not the risk of pain and heartache is worth the potential in a marriage type relationship. the truth is, honey, you never really know. honestly, you probably wont really even know if you yourself can put in the effort, nevermind another human being with choices of his own. like you said, on the wedding day both parties really mean what they say. but the words are the easy part, the deeds are what's difficult. lol, this huge response of mine and what have i really said? just that we dont know, and even with the risk of the immense hurt, sometimes the not knowing can be part of the allure too... the unknown adventure.
i know this pain.
i know this devestation.
i know how deadly and horrible and suffocating it is. and years and years later...i can still feel it.
i used to think if anything like this would ever happen to me -- i would die. and though for many years i wanted to die -- i somehow didn't. i'm thankful now.
i understand the desire to retreat in self protection and build up walls that would keep me safe.(just speaking out of my own situation that this post is bringing up in me)
a wise thing my daddy told me was this, "the same walls that keep out hurt and pain will also keep out any healing love the Father wants to give you."
it meant something precious to me at the time and reading your post reminded me of it.
trust is a hard issue....and i find if i have a hard time trusting people....those issues soon spill out into my relationship with God.
thanks for sharing this. and wrestling it out in your post. xo
wow ruth! that's something i've never thought of before. you really have the most incredible thoughts sometimes! thanks. and thank your dad for me! :) :)
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