So tonight I was propositioned. On the train. Ok, well, maybe propositioned isn't the right word. But let's just say it was made clear that some guys thought it would be pretty cool if I was up for a little ... fun ... with them. I mean, not in a scary way, like I was afraid they would do something to me against my will. Just in gross, pervy, funny-to-them, hoping-to-get-lucky way. So like, I wasn't scared of them or anything, I was just ... well, ew.
Then they decided they would settle for my phone number. But I just pretended I couldn't hear them through my headphones and walked past.
Whenever this happens, though, I honest to goodness want to sit down with them for an earnest little chat. And I would ask: WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK THAT ANY SPECIMEN OF THE SOBER / MENTALLY SOUND / HUMAN FEMALE POPULATION WOULD ACTUALLY CONSIDER HAVING CRAMPED CREEPY SEX IN A FILTHY GERM- (AND MOST LIKELY SYPHILLIS) INFESTED TRAIN BATHROOM PAINTED IN THE MOST HIDEOUS SHADE OF TEAL KNOWN TO MANKIND
(seriously...all train bathrooms are that colour...and I have no idea who that chick is in the picture...I just found it on the Internet...) ???? OH YA ... AND WITH A COMPLETE AND TOTAL STRANGER? I mean, has this worked for them before? Has this worked for ANYONE before???? Has any girl actually ever said, "Why most kind and chivalrous sir, your charming and generous flattery overwhelms...nay, beguiles me. I would be most delighted to oblige you ...in fact I find your request not only appropriate but feel a great honour has been bestowed upon me and I will do my darndest to make sure your desires become mind-blowing reality poste haste. Let me just get rid of these pesky, restricting non-stretch jeans, with their unforgiving, confining waistband and obnoxiously time-consuming button-and-zipper combo, for your easy-access-convenience." Or did I just not appear terribly sober... or mentally sound... or human... or all three previously mentioned characteristics. At least, their powers of deduction were fine-tuned enough to recognize I'm a female...I honestly want to know! I mean, is there something about my knee-length down-filled winter jacket that, unbeknownst to me, screams "me=skank! take me! i want you i need you o baby o baby"??????????
I mean, one can practically see them snorting, snuffing, panting, and pawing the ground like a bunch of penned bulls in the springtime. Assuming for a moment I didn't think Darwin was full of manure: When did evolution start to work backwards? Are we reverting to Neanderthal...ism? Will animals one day be more sophisticated than humans? If so, should we look into legalizing dog-human marriages? Cuz I often preferred the company of my golden retriever to many .... 'men'... (too bad she WAS a SHE....)
4 comments:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BEST EVER! (i'm sure that i would find you sexy in your knee-length down-filled winter jacket!)
Julia!! You, my friend, are hilarious. I'm so glad you didn't give them the time of day. You make me proud:)
I had a dream about you last night! You were picking me up to drive to university...AND YOU WERE LATE!! And not just by a few minutes. I'm talking like we walked into class after it was already half over. And the funny thing is you didn't even care about it. How uncharacteristic of you!
I just had to laugh at that line about your winter jacket. Maybe down filling is seductive for Germans. Or, maybe since Germans are so efficient, they like to be efficient in their relationships with the opposite sex too - a "cut to the chase" mentality :)
Or maybe most men are just pervs. Yeah, that sounds closer to reality.
If you'd like to hear another pathetic way that men try to pick up women, watch this Jerry Seinfeld bit (basically just from 7:07 to 8:43 of the video).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzhypkGmdBA
Well, I know how you feel. I got asked to have sex on an airplane... with a complete stranger, who then had the nerve to ask me, "how can you reject THIS PRIME offer!?" yes, yes, that is my idea of prime.
And dog marriages might be the new thing soon, I learned in the class that you can get a nutritionist license for your dog, even though as humans you can just call yourself a nutritionist with no type of credentials anyways.
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