the rebel

Thank you to everyone for the encouraging talk backs, emails, and long conversations over dinner/coffee. Some of you have expressed hesitation about giving me advice or recommending books and stuff because you don't want to sound like know-it-alls, or something, but please don't! This isn't one of those cases where I'm just looking to vent. Advice will be accepted ...and tested. :)

One thing I think I'm beginning to realize is that I've been expecting something to just happen on its own. I'm waiting for a lightning bolt, a shipwreck, some kind of jolt to snap me out of the ordinary. But I'm beginning to think that's not gonna happen. I'm beginning to think that I just need to start. Somewhere. Anywhere. I need to make an effort or the stagnancy will simply spread its stale presence. If we're the ones to walk away and let things slip, we might have to be the ones to take the first steps back. And while I've known this for a long time, I've been rebelling against it.

See, I hate it when people try to make me do something. Or persuade me. Or convince me. Even when I've told them to LAY OFF. It makes me run in the opposite direction. A few examples: if someone suggests going waterskiing or wakeboarding or whatever, they're all "it's the best thing ever. you HAVE to try it. don't be so scared." that just pisses me off. it makes me want to never even touch a wakeboard. (and for the record, i've waterskiied and had a very ... uncomfortable experience. including a word that rhymes with shmenima.) it just makes me not want to try it, SIMPLY FOR THE REASON THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME. I know, it's childish. It's lame. but also, why don't people simply believe me when i say i'm NOT INTERESTED IN WATER SPORTS? i actually simply couldn't care less. and the more you try to push it on me the more set i become in my choice to not do it. i'll go bungee jumping. seriously. one of my dreams. so OBVIOUSLY i'm not a scared person. i would just like to be able to choose FOR MYSELF what i want to do or not do.
Or another example. When my mother says things like "you know, you could have cleaned out the dishwasher when you got home from work." meaning that it's still not unloaded and she would like me to do it now. but now i won't. simply because she says it like that. you know, if she would just ASK me "julia, could you please unload the dishwasher" i'd be right on it. But the whole guilt-trip insinuating thing just rubs me the wrong way. Again, i know that's stupid and i should get over it. get over myself. but it's so hard. anyways, when i tell my mom she should just ASK me to, she always responds with "well, i don't think i SHOULD have to ask you anymore. you're 22 years old." now, she may be completely right, but how is the guilt trip any better than simply asking me? ok, this may seem very silly. but these are just two trivial examples. (well, trivial to me; maybe not my mom. but for the record, i unloaded the dishwasher yesterday after i got home from work. it was not dad. it was me. CREDIT. I WANT THE CREDIT.) but as trivial as these things may seem, this trait (unfortunately) affects ever single area of my life. Including my beliefs and faith. so the more people tell me they have the answer or that i just need to get off my butt and do something about my confusion and doubt, the more i want to just sit on my a** and ... ya. But really it's only hurting me. My stubbornness and inability to concede when I'm down ... or just plain old wrong ... is one of my ultimate flaws.

I don't think I've ever said that out loud before. Or even actually thought it to myself before.

Scary.

So now I'm going to go curl my hair. Do my make up. And then go look for my Bible; yes, i've been home for over a month and haven't even looked for my Bible since I unpacked. You wanna know what's really sad tho? When I was packing in Germany I actually seriously thought to myself: "now, do you pack your Bible, which you have opened a total of....twice...the whole year .... or maybe save a few more tanktops that aren't making the cut and coming back home to Canada with you?" isn't that horrible? i am an awful person. you are all going to stop reading my blog now that i'm actually exposing all my issues.

but there it is.

p.s. my bible won over the tanktops.